Life lately

Do any of you ever feel stuck? I do. Not necessarily being stuck in a particular place, but more being stuck in a mindset. I wrote my last post in July, when I was visiting my boyfriend and his family in Finland. It was a much needed getaway and I was sure to be refreshed and motivated for the new school year.

The next school year came around and this did not happen. At all. The subjects are difficult and even though I have more time for hobbies and schoolwork, I don’t find myself dedicated to any of it. In Denmark they’ve coined the expression “skoletræt” which means “school tired”. I am quite literally tired of school. The subjects don’t interest me, I’m demotivated and I’m ready to start something that does interest me. Not too long until I graduate now, and then it’ll be on to something new.

While this has all been going on, my boyfriend got into university to study psychology and here’s the kicker.. He’s now studying in the Netherlands. My entire family and now my boyfriend live in the Netherlands! How ironic! It does make family visits a lot easier though! I actually just came back from a family visit and it was lovely. I enjoyed spending time with my loved ones and seeing where my boyfriend settled in.

I’ve changed my wardrobe too! I’ve always been into the more vintage aesthetics, the 30s, 40s and 50s in particular. I finally decided to take the plunge and I don’t remember ever feeling this confident. I’ll definitely be writing about that too, so stay tuned for that.

And as some of you may have noticed, the name change! I felt like it needed to be shorter and something that fit me, hence Madamoiselle Vagabond (I’m aware it’s actually spelled mademoiselle, but that did not work 😦 ). I haven’t been feeling very rooted. I always kind of wander from place to place. As soon as school is out for the holidays I’m off to somewhere else, staying with different people and yeah.. This is what my life is right now. I felt that it was fitting.

I’m going to change my content up a bit, less of the diary type of stuff and more things related to perhaps lifestyle and fashion. I’m really excited about this new journey, and I hope you guys are with me along the ride!

Long time no see!

Hey you! It has been a while. Life has been pretty hectic lately. 6 weeks ago I went to the Netherlands to see my family and my boyfriend came along too. We had a blast. It was so lovely to be reconnecting with family and friends. Leaving was hard.. I felt out of place being back in Denmark and even though the homesickness has subsided, I still feel a bit lonely. Not that I have much time to think about it though, since my exams are coming at me in full force.

I have 8 exams this period, 4 of which are done now. I passed physics, which was a miracle, since physics is one of the harder subjects for me to understand, but I must admit that spending time reading up on it and doing additional research really did help. I’m looking forward to having it on B level after the summer. Other than that I had written English, written Math and Geography as well. English and Geography went great, I have not yet gotten my English grade back, but I finished Geography with the second highest grade. I’m pretty proud of that. However, the rush of getting good grades didn’t last me very long, considering I have a Chemistry exam coming up, which I didn’t manage to do a lot for. Chemistry at this point does not have my highest priority, considering I’ll take it on B-level next year, but I’d still like to pass obviously! I decided to prioritise the subjects I’ll be finishing this semester, which are Geography, English and Religion. I just don’t have the time to put equal amounts of effort in each and every subject.

This past semester has been tough. 40 hrs of school, additional hours for homework, work in the weekends, trying to stay in shape, keeping the place clean and seeing a friend every once in a while has taken a toll on me. School had to take the backseat at times in order for me to also get other things done and it shows. I guess that’s the downside of studying as an adult, but hey, even that is a learning curve.

I realised that grades are important, but not to the extent of them dominating your life and happiness. I prefer to focus on the subject I’m good at, which luckily enough are a few. The other ones I’ll try out and if they won’t work out, then at least I’ve tried. Despite this rough period, I’m still content with what I’ve managed and done so far. Right now I just want everything to be done and over with. I booked myself plane tickets to see my boyfriend and the in-laws in a few weeks and I’ll be staying in Finland over the summer. It’ll be nice to get away for a while and empty my head. I need some nature, fun and sauna therapy, ha! I’m already giddy thinking about it.

Yeah, it has been a while indeed.. What have you been up to? I’d love to hear your stories!

– Naiyee

Taking up old hobbies

Recently I have decided to take up an old hobby again. And that hobby is drawing! I used to love drawing when I was younger. My mom would have a sketchbook and pencils with her whenever we went out somewhere, just in case I got bored when we were out shopping or in church. I remember it being the best thing ever whenever my teacher in school scheduled an hour of drawing because I could let my creativity let loose. Every free moment I had I’d spend with my nose in my sketching block.

But then I stopped and I don’t really know why I did, but I had a friend once tell me that I would have been amazing if I had just kept at it. It’s sad that I stopped, really! I guess life just kind of happened and I forgot all about it. I dabbled a little bit into painting and crafting as well, both of which I really enjoy doing too. But there are only 24 hours in a day and combining it with school, work, trying to stay in shape AND maintain somewhat of a social life is tough! So for now I’ll just stick with one hobby at a time.

It feels like a better way of spending the time I have, instead of binge watching shows on Netflix. Not that there is anything wrong with that though! I love me a good movie marathon every once in a while, I think most people do, but to me it feels more productive to improve a skill instead of watching a series for 8 hrs on end.

Holding a pencil again was strangely familiar. I decided to doodle a bit and the rest kind of just happened. I was happy to find out that I don’t completely suck at it, haha! It is a challenge for sure, but honestly, I’m just happy to be taking it back up again.

drawing
A flower I doodled a couple of days ago. Seeing as it has been so long, I am actually pretty proud!

So far, I have found flowers and animals some of the easier things to draw, so that will be my main focus for now. Once I have gotten more used to that I might move onto humans or bigger drawings. My doodles so far have been pretty small. Bigger drawings are challenging because of the proportions.

But drawing is just one of the many things I’d love to get good at. I’d also love to get good at knitting, sewing, embroidering and baking! Unfortunately with the limited time I have, I’ll just have to stick with this for now.. And it’s great! I am SO excited about drawing again.

So many hobbies, so little time… Do you have any hobbies and if you do, what do you like to do? I’d love to hear about it!

My North Star

Last week my love and I had our one year anniversary and what a year it has been. He came into my life at the most unexpected time, but I couldn’t be happier that he did. Unfortunately we are not together right now, but in two weeks we will be, since we will be visiting my family in the Netherlands for Easter!

He and I had been friends for years and he decided to come over to Denmark from Finland to meet up in real life. I was still in a relationship at the time, but the chemistry was there from the start. We hit it off right away and had a blast. Shortly after he left, my then-boyfriend broke up with me and we decided to give it a go.

”We’ll take it slow” we said, but very soon after having said that we were sure that we were right for each other. We pretty soon talked about the more serious topics, marriage, kids, careers and all of that. Weirdly enough we agreed on everything. I felt funny about it at first. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, but talking to him calmed the constant chaos inside of me. I have always struggled with feeling grounded and in a way I still do. But just a simple phone call or a text of him reassuring me it’ll all work out seems to make all of the problems I have so insignificant as long as he was there.

I promised myself I wouldn’t put myself through the hassle of a long distance relationship again, but the heart wants what it wants. I booked a plane ticket to Finland to see him and meet his family and we grew even closer. Not just us, but I also instantly connected to his family. It all felt so natural. I found myself often wondering if it all wasn’t just too good to be true, but I guess this is just what it feels like to have hit the jackpot.

I don’t have a penny to my name, a small family far away, just the clothes on my back, a handful of friends and my precious pooch, but I can’t recall the last time I felt this happy. I’m thoroughly convinced it’s because I have found him and reconnected with my own family too. I feel as if I’m a tiny little boat in this big ocean, but as long as I’ve got my north star, I’ll eventually find my way back home.

Like Gordon B. Hinckley once said

”Love is like the North Star,
In a changing world, it’s always constant”

My love always tells me that everything will work out and I used to struggle to believe that. Because how can everything work out? Does it truly do that? But he has taught me that sometimes, it is okay to let go of the things I cannot control. And that is a scary, but comforting thought.

It feels like meeting him and his family too, has given my heart the capability to give love back a thousandfold. And for that I am grateful. Not just for them being in my life, but he as also taught me to appreciate my own family a whole lot more.

He is my north star and I feel grateful to have found him when I did. It has only been a year, but I can’t wait to see what the future holds.

Have any of you out there found your north star? I would love to hear your stories.

– Naiyee

My challenge with practising self care

A week ago I went to the doctor. I have been feeling quite on edge for a while now and at first I brushed it off. I told myself not to be such a whimp and just keep going. A couple of weeks ago I hit a wall and I felt like I couldn’t even do the simplest of tasks. I either slept too little or too long, I had no appetite or I’d eat everything in sight, I had heart palpitations and my body developed small aches that I couldn’t quite explain. I also felt like I completely lost my grounding. So I mustered up the courage to go see my doctor and talk about my issue with stress.

My mom always called me a lazy person by nature and I’ve always hated it. So whenever I take time off I feel guilty. Guilty for not using my time better. My daily life consists of this ”rise and grind” attitude, yet this time it has finally bit me in the ass. My doctor told me to make spare time activities a priority, because ever since I started this course I’m currently doing at school, I’ve had to cancel them. There are just not enough hours in a day for me to be active, go to school, make homework, cook food, clean up while trying to maintain a somewhat existent social life. She told me to prioritise the things that bring me joy and give me energy.

So I’ve started to reflect a little.. How would I make this work? What can I do to take this stress away? I recently re-joined our local pole dancing studio here and I have been having a blast, but I feel guilty for not focusing on my homework instead. And as I’m writing this, at my favourite little café in town, I’m feeling guilty for not attending my pole dancing class.

The thing is, being so hyper-focused on being productive, I have lost myself in the process. And I have made the decision to cut down on some things that are incredibly time consuming, just so that I can have my hour or something a day that is not school focused. And I can already feel a huge difference.

I think this obsession with productivity nowadays makes a lot of people unhappy. I’m not telling you to be lazy, but I AM telling you to make time to practise self care. Be it taking a nice bath, eating that food you like, going to fitness or seeing a friend. We need to take care of ourselves first before we can thrive. And there will be guilt. It won’t be easy when you’ve been grinding all your life. But it is good to take a step back and just breathe. So yeah, I may not be doing my homework every day, but I feel a whole lot less on edge. I don’t feel the urge to be perfect all the time.

Happiness is so important. We only have this one precious life, shouldn’t we aspire to live it to our fullest and be happy?

Do you practise self care? If you do, how do you like to do it?

I would love to hear about it!

– Naiyee

International Women’s Day – Trying to be proud of myself

Happy International Women’s Day to all my lovely ladies out there! Not too long ago I wrote a post about how much I admire the amazing women in my life. Thanks to them I have managed to still stand with my head held high today. I spent all day thinking about what to write on a special day like this, but I just couldn’t figure it out. So after a tiresome day at school with far too much calculating formulas and balancing chemical reactions, I decided to sit myself down at my favourite café and have a drink. While scrolling through instagram, one of my very good friends Mari (withlove_skandihome on IG, if you love interior with a Scandinavian aesthetic, you’ll LOVE her feed) asked her followers to send her 2 reasons as to why they are proud of themselves..

Now I have always been insecure about myself. I don’t consider myself to be particularly good or special, so just the idea of finding 2 reasons as to why I am proud of myself was a challenge. Subconsciously I just automatically connect being proud of yourself or liking yourself with being self absorbed, which is SO not true. I mean, I feel like many people should tone it down with the ”why is this happening to me, I’m such an amazing person” attitude, but liking yourself and being proud of yourself is a really good thing, a thing I need to learn!

So as I was sipping on my matcha chai, while reading her question, I started wondering.. Why am I proud of myself? What have I done that could possibly be considered something to be proud of? But then I got reminded of a conversation I had a long time ago. A conversation where I was bringing myself down, as I usually do when people point out something that I accomplished. And then it hit me. In my short 24 years I actually have done quite some awesome stuff, especially in the span of the last 5 years..

At age 19, right before my 20th birthday I was the first one in my family to have a formal education and got my degree as a Veterinary Technician. One of my proudest accomplishments.

At age 20 I moved to a foreign country, a country I still reside in today.

At age 20 I lost my mother to cancer and I remember telling myself that I wouldn’t survive this. Grieving alone, living far away from my family, is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I was convinced I would never see the light and that I would never smile again. Almost 5 years later I’m still standing. I told myself I would never marry or have kids if she wouldn’t be there to witness it, but I’m opening up to these ideas again. Time has kicked my ass, I’ve grown bitter and my skin is probably about 6 inches thick, but allowing myself to fall in love with people and life again is making me happier and softer again as the days go by..

I went from not being able to speak a word of Danish to speaking it fluently in under 2 years. Danish is my third language and I am currently following an education that is taught in Danish as well.

I decided to take a huge leap of faith by starting a new relationship last year with an amazing guy who lives in Finland. Last year I spontaneously booked a plane ticket to go see him and I haven’t regretted that decision. I vowed to never enter a long distance relationship again, but the heart wants what it wants.

But what I am most proud of is the fact that in just 5 years I have managed to overcome my fear of the unknown. I took a leap of faith when I moved abroad, learned a new language, entered a new education and a new relationship. If I would have told myself this 10 years ago I would have laughed.

I used to be this perfectionist little girl who preferred to stay inside and preferably lived home with mom forever, but circumstances have driven me to do the opposite. It took my safe haven, my home, my mother, away from me and forced me to open my eyes and live in the real world.

You never know how strong you are until it’s the only option you have. I’m living proof of that and I am damn proud of it, because even when all the odds were against me, I still made the best of it. My strength is my superpower. And even though I’m cringing as I am writing this, because I dislike complimenting myself, I guess I can pat myself on the shoulder for writing this, too.

What are your reasons to be proud of yourself? I would love to hear from you!

My ongoing struggle with the feeling of not being good enough.

The past weeks have been overwhelming to the point of me barely doing what I love to relieve the weight on my shoulders and resulted with me having a migraine for three!!!! days straight. This weekend I decided to my hobbies a priority, those being yoga and writing! Be it journaling or writing on my blog, writing is therapeutic to me in ways I can’t even put into words.

The new semester only started a couple of weeks ago and I am already overwhelmed. With that, the creeping fear of not being good enough popped up again as well. My exams have gone fine so far and ended up scoring pretty okay too, which for me was a confidence booster. But this semester we got introduced to some new subjects. Subjects that I hadn’t touched for a good couple of years. So getting back into them was difficult. My class consists of some incredibly bright people, the type of people that are going to make it very far in life. The more power to them, I wish them all the best! But I can’t help but compare myself to them. Comparison is poison for an insecure mind. I know I shouldn’t, but I do it anyway. I have to keep reminding myself that a lot of them have been dealing with these subjects for a while and that all of these things aren’t completely new to them.. I talked about this with a classmate the other day and she reassured me that I have nothing to be insecure about. She also mentioned how impressive it is that I am taking these very heavy science based courses in my third language after only having lived in Denmark for four-and-a-half years. I hadn’t really looked at it from that perspective and for a moment I did feel pretty good about myself.

But this struggle isn’t exactly new to me. I have always felt that I, in a way, was beneath my peers. I couldn’t really tell you why, but I just do. I compare myself too much to others and I feel like I need validation a little bit too much. My fitness journey (which I will write about some other time) is a perfect example of this. I went from 100+ kilos in 2014 to losing a good 35 kilos in the span of 2 years, convinced that I would finally be happy when my stomach would be flat. Surprise.. It didn’t. Instead I spent 2 years obsessively comparing myself to other women on a similar journey, hoping that I could be like them. Obviously I would never be like them, because I am me and that is okay too. That is just one example though, I have many more, unfortunately.

I really want to start trying to be myself unapologetically. So what if I’m not a straight A student, or the girl with a big booty and stunning abs? I’m not exactly an uninteresting person. I emigrated at 20, I speak three languages and I’m learning a fourth one, I have weird hobbies and I’m working hard towards accomplishing my goals. This however, isn’t too easy to keep reminding myself of, but eventually I’ll get there I hope.

Are any of you guys out there struggling with the same thing, and if so, how do you cope with it?

Any tips would be so much appreciated!

– Naiyee